The Song Of My People

Daughter: Dont talk to me Son: You definitely have feelings. You’re very bossy. Daughter: Don’t talk to me THIS WAY. Or I’ll spank you with that spoon. Son: If you spank me with the spoon, mommy will spank you with the spoon. Daughter: No Son: I have feelings. I get angry. You can’t color with a pretzel. That’s not how life works Daughter: 1, 2, 3, 4, 11, 66 Son: You only have 12 pretzels. If you paid more attention to Elmo you’d actually know how to count by now. Daughter: Mommy farted Eli. I smell mommy’s stinky booty Son: Did you actually fart mama? Me: No Son: You need to tell the truth. I’m sorry to tell you, but you can’t fix Mother Nature. You’re doomed. You’re Captain Butthole Daughter: Wanna make a pretzel castle?

I found out today that our son has a homework folder he should be bringing home each day from school. I wondered why he didn’t have any homework in first grade, but just figured maybe his teacher was a no homework kinda gal. And now I know: he has NEVER brought his home. Not one time...all year long so far.

Our son singing, while doing math: “I hate math. I hate math. I hate maaaaaaaath. I don't know math well as a kid. When I’m an adult I’m going to be so good at math.” Me: "Do your math buddy.” Son does one math problem: “My body will change ya know, and my brain will tell me to do math when I’m an adult, just not while I’m a kid.” Son does another math problem: “What the heck?! I DO NOT have 11 fingers! How am I supposed to do this math?” Son sits down marker: “I hate math. Math is dumb, stupid and most of all...you know sometimes if my teacher gives me homework to do at home I crumple it up and throw it in the trash can because I hate math.” Me: “That may prevent you from moving on into the second grade so all the friends you’re making now will be in second grade without you, and you’ll have to make new first grade friends.” Son sits back not doing math: “I think Hannah pooped, want me to check her diaper for you?” I’m silent. Son begins doing his math again, and sings: “I...

Our daughter was sent to her room for talking back. While she was in there, she took off her poop diaper. Out of anger she sat on her little chair, her pillow and her bed. And in those spots I found poop smashed. I also found a turd nugget on the floor. I have given birth to CHUCKY

Today I laid our daughter down for a nap.  She took her diaper off and pooped on the floor. She then proceed to climb back in bed and nap with no diaper. Of course I didn't discover any of this until after she woke up from her nap. My family is a circus.

Today our main bathroom toilet overflowed because it wouldn't quit running. Two inches of water was on the floor before I realized what was happening. Got it all cleaned up, sanitized, the whole she-bang. Our daughter, who is potty training, goes to said bathroom. She successfully gets the diaper and pants off, pees on the floor, sits on the toilet, and poops in the toilet. Back to sanitizing...

On Wacky Tacky Tuesday, our son went to school wearing what he had chosen: a Master Chief costume from Halo, a black and red Spider-Man cape, and a pair of underwear on the outside. I got a call from the assistant principle saying he asked our son to take the underwear off because it was causing disruption in the classroom. Everyone was laughing and couldn’t quit talking about it apparently. Even the older kids were saying they wanted to do that. Our son wasn’t in trouble, the assistant principle just wanted to end the disruption. When our son got home I asked him what happened: “Everyone thought my outfit was cool and wouldn’t calm down”